MFV BF494 'Pansy', an old Motor Fifie Conversion

Boat building and ship wrighting in general is said to be 80% hard graft and 10% blether, although maybe that should be the other way around!

got an email about tools earlier, and thought It might be useful to share a little wisdom about the necessary tools in the boat builders arsenal, and explain their use and functionality as I have found it over the last couple of years, so here goes

Tools Explained

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. Also Highly recommended as the tool of choice for snapping the only drill bit of a certain size in your collection right at the time when thats the only size you can use

Grinder with Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

Wood chisel: mostly used for opening tins of paint and to scrape thin surface coatings away, particularly good for removing skin and small amounts of subcutaneous flesh

Angle Grinder/Cutting Disk: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short, and for precision embedding of red hot iron filings in surrounding paintwork. Also use for destroying the blade of wood chisels

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

Belt Sander: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Mole Grips: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

blow torch: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects around toyr boat/workshop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race, and setting fire to that huge pool of pitch which had been poured onto the rotten wood in order to hide it, thus converting it from a solid to a liquid whereby it drips through the rotten wood and sets fire to everything underneath

table saw: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall/hull integrity. and customising fingers

Hydraulic Jack: Used for lowering an extremely heavy objects to the ground trapping the handle and jack in the process.

Band saw: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good timber into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Circular Saw: Similar application to band saw but also good for cutting bits off your workbench and for slicing into the table you are resting on

Jig Saw: See circular Saw

Power Plane: Hand held tool for removing excess wood and converting slightly over large pieces of timber, to frustratingly too small for the job pieces. Also good for causing major skin abrasions and removing fingertips

2 Ton Engine Hoist: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to open paint tins and stir contents prior to dripping paint on floor or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads to render them unremovable requiring use of of pry bar (see below)

Cordless Drill: Universal High speed version of the above with 2 attachements, one for stripping the heads of screws entirely, the other for stripping the heads and then running across the surrounding area requiring remedial use of belt sander (see belt sander above)

Straight Screwdriver: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws, butchering your palms, and damaging surround timber calling for use of belt sander (see belts sander above)

Pry Bar: A tool used to damage the timber surrounding that clip/bracket/nail you needed to remove, and thus calling for the use of belt sander (see belt sander above)

hose cutter: A tool used to make hoses too short.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit and break them, or to improve the damage causing potential of pry bar when trying to remove stripped screws (see screwdrivers above)

Stanley Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, invoices, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Also good for scoring timber underneath the object you were trimming calling for further use of belt sander (see belt sander above)

Block Plane: mythical tool believed by some to be capable of shaving minute wafers of wood to create perfect scarfe joints. Scarfe joints for those that don't know are 2 irregularly shaped end pieces of wood which only have minimal contact with each other and have gaps filled with masses of epoxy resin

probably a few that have been missed there, but hopefully will set people on the straight and narrow

Thought now occurs that I really ought to follow this up with a glossary of terms for all the bits and pieces on a boat ie:-

Scuppers: narrow slits between deck and gunwale to allow the easy exit to the water of any screws or small tools that you drop

Carlines:Cross timbers between deck beams to remove skin and hair when the deck beams didn't get you

Bilges: Inaccessible container for tools, screws and house keys that were too big to go through the scuppers (see above)

get the idea? needs some thought, but I expect a full glossary of boat terms to be published shortly.